I’m legit having difficulty starting this one at all. I have to pause for an evil laugh.
Where to begin?
It was just an average Saturday afternoon. I was chilling in my room after a satisfying Thuglunch, when some random struck up a conversation with me.
That’s dating apps for you. Random.
I usually make the effort to meet people at least once prior to… commencing relations. I got lazy though, and caved to his relentless requests to pay me a visit.
Fine. Surprise me, mate. I dare you.
He was too whiny to be an axe murderer. Don’t worry.
He arrived late that night, and I instantly knew I was going to regret this sex. Totally catfished. His head was kind of a weird shape, and I struggled to get past it.
What. It was weird.
Anyway, my need for the D outweighed his misshapen head. All was going fine until he went downtown.
I’m talking…. downtown. Teeth. What the fuck was up with the amount of toothy punishment I was receiving? This is not oral… it’s fucking torture. I think he was trying to forcibly suck my soul out through my tender bits. It was not good.
I tried to redirect him but to no avail. I hate it when men can’t tell a pain response from pleasure, cause they watch too much porn. I wasn’t a fan of his technique. It was like having something latch on and bite you on the vagina.
I couldn’t stand it any longer and initiated the ‘Fuck this shit’ procedure. This isn’t going to plan.. mission abort. I performed the finishing move and that was that. Gross man. Go clean yourself up.
I was kinda devastated when he decided to stay the night. Damnit. I felt so insanely awkward I did that weird thing where I can’t fucking shut up talking about insanely boring shit.
I’m glad I annoyed him though, like his teeth annoyed my lady bits. Lucky for me, in the morning, he left without making a scene. Or you know, eye contact. At all.
Super fucking awkward when the best part of the booty call is watching the booty GTFO. I went back to sleep for a few hours, unimpressed.
It wasn’t until later that week when I was cleaning up in the ensuite that I noticed the bin.
The fucking bin.
The fucking bin… without a bag……. where Teeth McGee had disposed of his condom.
It’d been quite a few days. I wretched when I innocently opened the lid to put some empty toilet rolls inside.
Oh no. My bin had been desecrated.
I gagged some more. The smell.
You know the smell.
I started to laugh when I realized this was legitimately happening. I had to get that fucking bin out of there.
I went to the kitchen, and grabbed an arsenal of garbage bags. I felt like this was a multi-bag job. I put gloves on my hands. Should have worn a face mask too, in hindsight.
I wrapped that sucker up, gagging and laughing at the absurdity of the whole situation. I threw it in the wheelie bin, and ran back inside in shame. Still laughing though.
It was a bin, in a bag, in another bag, in another bin.
It was Binception.