I’m legit having difficulty starting this one at all.  I have to pause for an evil laugh.




Where to begin?

It was just an average Saturday afternoon.  I was chilling in my room after a satisfying Thuglunch, when some random struck up a conversation with me.

That’s dating apps for you.  Random.

I usually make the effort to meet people at least once prior to… commencing relations.  I got lazy though, and caved to his relentless requests to pay me a visit.

Fine.  Surprise me, mate.  I dare you.


He was too whiny to be an axe murderer.  Don’t worry.


He arrived late that night, and I instantly knew I was going to regret this sex.  Totally catfished.  His head was kind of a weird shape, and I struggled to get past it.

What.  It was weird.

Anyway, my need for the D outweighed his misshapen head.  All was going fine until he went downtown.

I’m talking…. downtown.  Teeth.  What the fuck was up with the amount of toothy punishment I was receiving?  This is not oral… it’s fucking torture.  I think he was trying to forcibly suck my soul out through my tender bits.  It was not good.

I tried to redirect him but to no avail.  I hate it when men can’t tell a pain response from pleasure, cause they watch too much porn.  I wasn’t a fan of his technique.  It was like having something latch on and bite you on the vagina.

I couldn’t stand it any longer and initiated the ‘Fuck this shit’ procedure.  This isn’t going to plan.. mission abort.  I performed the finishing move and that was that.  Gross man.  Go clean yourself up.

I was kinda devastated when he decided to stay the night.  Damnit.  I felt so insanely awkward I did that weird thing where I can’t fucking shut up talking about insanely boring shit.

I’m glad I annoyed him though, like his teeth annoyed my lady bits.  Lucky for me, in the morning, he left without making a scene.  Or you know, eye contact.  At all.

Super fucking awkward when the best part of the booty call is watching the booty GTFO.  I went back to sleep for a few hours, unimpressed.

It wasn’t until later that week when I was cleaning up in the ensuite that I noticed the bin.

The fucking bin.

The fucking bin… without a bag……. where Teeth McGee had disposed of his condom.


It’d been quite a few days.  I wretched when I innocently opened the lid to put some empty toilet rolls inside.

Oh fuck.

Oh no.  My bin had been desecrated.

I gagged some more.  The smell.

You know the smell.


I started to laugh when I realized this was legitimately happening.  I had to get that fucking bin out of there.

I went to the kitchen, and grabbed an arsenal of garbage bags.  I felt like this was a multi-bag job.  I put gloves on my hands.  Should have worn a face mask too, in hindsight.

I wrapped that sucker up, gagging and laughing at the absurdity of the whole situation.  I threw it in the wheelie bin, and ran back inside in shame.  Still laughing though.

It was a bin, in a bag, in another bag, in another bin.

It was Binception.



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