I don’t know how you do it.
You make it look easy.
Wow, you look so good for your age.
These are all things I’ve heard frequently over the last few years. First of all……….
Of course I look good, bitch. This is how I look when I’m not letting a man ruin my life.
Can I get a slow clapback?
Yes sir, I can.
I do make it look easy. Because it is. Easier than being somebody’s bitch for life. Easier than biting my tongue when he says something stupid as hell. My life is all about ease and good shit, baby.
How could it be anything but? It has been since I decided. I probably found the greatest shortcut there is in life. Just deciding to start being the type of woman who says yes to herself, and no to douchebags.
Mostly. I make mistakes.
I learn from them, though. I promise.
Sometimes slow, sometimes fast. Sometimes it takes me 8 years to work that shit out, but lately it’s taking me about 8 minutes. I’ve made SERIOUS progress, you guys.
I still miss the greatest fuckboy of all time, but I know in my soul that he’s bad. He is the meth of mankind. (I’ve never done meth. But I’ve definitely done men.) He’s no good for me, makes me feel like shit, but god I want him still. Every damn day.
Thankfully, I know my flaws and I know where I’m broken. I know when to turn my fucking back.
That cunt distracts me so hard. I’m sorry. I wish I could uninstall emotions.
The thing is, you don’t know how I do it… and neither do I. I stopped worrying about ‘how’ a long time ago. How the fuck was I going to change my whole life, become a single parent, and withstand the emotional shitstorm that goes with that?
I don’t know.
Thinking about that huge task gives me anxiety just reading it. It doesn’t even matter that I did that, and it is done. It’s a scary thought when you’re looking at the whole picture.
I still don’t really know much. Except how to do the thing when you don’t fucking know. I just decided to not even worry about how I was going to do anything anymore, and started to just do.
Without direction or any kind of backup plan.
Against advice. Against the grain. Against the odds, baby.
The plan was not to have a plan. I never liked following recipes anyway, so I figured why bother to stop and try to map out a clear path to some imaginary success I would never achieve.
Why not just say fuck it.
And do whatever the hell I wanted, and whatever I thought was right- NOW.
Only now though. I don’t think about tomorrow or next week or next year too much. I’m focused on only what I’m doing right here and now.
How am I investing my time? Who do I serve? Why do I serve them? What brings me fucking pride? What can I do today to be more awesome than I was yesterday? What do I need right now? What will I do to make that thing mine?
I show up and I fuck shit up and that’s just how it is.
This is what I do, and this is who I am.