I’m sure we’ve all seen the meme floating around entitled fuckboy bingo. Well, I played, and I won. Or lost. It’s the only game where being a loser makes you the winner.
So it struck me that perhaps someone should write a glossary for all the things a fuckboy will say to you, with handy translations. I’m definitely the woman for that job. Prepare for greatness. Strap yourselves in or on if you’re so inclined.
- I’ll never lie to you. I will lie to you every opportunity I get.
- Just go with the flow. I am a riptide and will drag you out to sea.
- My phone was flat. My dick was flaccid.
- I fell asleep. I forgot we had plans because I’m an alcoholic.
- I’ve been really busy lately. I forgot you exist at all, and often ignore you on purpose.
- I jerk off all the time to your pics. I jerk off all the time to your pics.
- How are things? (after ghosting you) I’m back to fuck up your chi.
- Sorry. I’m not sorry, and never will be.
- You’re the best. You’re the best at tolerating my abuse.
- You’re my favourite. You’re the easiest to overpower and manipulate.
Now, that’s just your classic fuckboy repertoire. There’s a whole other level of fuckboy out there. The relationship faker. They’re raging narcissists and so damn obvious. Thankfully, they’re way easier to spot, or maybe it’s just that I’ve grown wise and strong. I’d like to think a combination of both.
- This is fate. I selected you carefully based on your belief system.
- I’m so glad I found you. I’m so glad I’m going to penetrate you.
- You’re perfect. I’m a perfect liar.
- You’re too good for me. I want you to disagree and tell me it’s the reverse.
- I’m afraid you’ll reject me. I know you would reject me if I were honest.
- I have anger issues. I’m going to start abusing you soon.
- I really enjoy talking to you. I’m going to stop talking to you tomorrow.
- God, you’re sexy. God, you’re sexy.
- Did you cum? Hurry up, I’d like to go home and sleep.
- I’m a man of my word. I’m not even close to a man, and I will let you down.
That, my friends is extreme love-bombing in action. I’ve seen it before and will no doubt see it again. However, there are exceptions to these rules. Sometimes men are men of their words. Sometimes they mean it when they say we’re sexy. Okay, they always do. Womankind is hot as fuck… I’m not even gay and I check them out all the time. I think I stare harder at them than I do men. Sorry girls, it’s admiration, not creepery.
The trick to understanding these translations, is that when you’re receiving 4 or more of them in quick succession, or with the same person… he’s a guaranteed fuckboy. One or two of these phrases uttered on their own aren’t a guaranteed stamp of fuckery.
Still, I continue to assess the risk, and take it if I choose to. I know I won’t give many fucks if I turn out to be wrong, and make a crap selection. After all, I distribute my fucks with careful moderation. I’m comfortable in my wrongness, and am always fully prepared to fall on my own sword, lest I take another knife to the back.
I’d sooner stab myself in the front, you cunt.
Next up? The Dick Matrix. Mantrix. Ooooooh. I like that! Stay tuned, bitches.