Giving Thanks

I’m probably in danger of seeming really bitter and twisted.  I enjoy a bit of danger though, and a bit of twistedness.  However, I do feel the need to clarify in the form of an open letter.  Who doesn’t love a bit of clarity?

Sorry about the formatting on this one.  It’s a bit fucked, but so am I.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for all that you did for me.  I didn’t realize it at the time but your disengagement and disinterest was of great service to me.
Thank you for showing me what my weaknesses were.  For revealing to me my strengths, also.
Thank you for being cowardly in your exit.  I don’t do goodbyes well, and needed the fuel of fury to propel me forwards.  Again.  I am grateful.
Thank you for letting me go and freeing me from the drama of our association.  I know you would deny that you encouraged any such thing- but we both know you lie to your women, and to yourself.
Thank you for getting out of the way.  For stepping aside and no longer blocking the flow of good things into my space.  You were holding up the traffic.  I allowed that to happen because I was in denial about who and what you are.
Thank you for showing me that love is worth dropping my shields for.  I never could do it for you, and I couldn’t even admit that I felt a thing.  I get the feeling you knew the truth because it was in my eyes and my fingertips when they touched you.  You felt the warmth of my care, and used that to your advantage.  You wanted to be loved, but not to love me back.  I forgive you because I can.  Hate is a cage.
Thank you for the street cred I still enjoy for having been with such a shiny golden god.  Your exterior is beautiful, but your interior sadly is empty…… or at least it was for me.  I wasn’t allowed to see.
Thank you for being who you are.  You taught me even more about sociopathic behaviour and toxic engagements.  I’m acutely aware of the fact that you realize you’re pretty dark and evil, even if you stand in the light.  There is a good reason you kept most of yourself hidden from me.  You did that for your own benefit, but I too am able to gain important wisdom from your covert abuse.  I still forgive you and I still can let that go.
Thank you for reminding me that I am deserving of much much more than you were ever willing to give me.  I do feel some slight regret for having taken more than 2 and a half years to learn these lessons.  That fault is mine, and not yours.  I could have walked away at any time and raised the bar.  I’m doing that now.  Better late that never.
Thank you for introducing me to BDSM and uncovering my kinks.  It’s unfortunate that you couldn’t abide by the code of conduct and treat me with respect and care.  You only robbed yourself of the pleasure of the connection I held back from you, by abusing your privilege and damaging my trust repeatedly.
Thank you for stirring my insecurities until they bubbled over.  I was able to free myself of negative thought patterns and developed the ability to block dramatic mofos with ease.  You also will deny that you are dramatic, however your inability to be real, speak with honesty, and continually dragging me by my ankles, back into your filth…… says otherwise.  You did whatever you had to do, said whatever you had to say, to keep having your needs met.  It was never about me.  I barely existed next to you.
Thank you for revealing a different type of narcissism to me.  Covert abuse is now something I’m able to recognize and shield myself from.  Your lessons were powerful, and I know that was not your intention.  Still, I seize that opportunity forcibly, and claim it for myself, as is my right.  My unspoken needs were met.  The ones I didn’t even know I had.  You came to me for a reason, and I am grateful.
Thank you for being toxic as all hell.
Thank you for disappearing.
Thank you for releasing me.
Thank you for failing me, terribly.
Thank you for opening my eyes once and for all.  You woke me by setting me ablaze.
Thank you for allowing me to reach terminal velocity and crash into the ground, with soul shattering force.
Thank you for revealing my greatest gifts to me.  If you ever returned, I would only thank you kindly and send you on your way in peace.  I still might send you glitter because my vengeance is pretty hilarious, and I find it cathartic to annoy you a little bit.  This is absolutely fair, and I do so only with love.  I hope you enjoyed the promo video I had made for free, using all the images I lovingly crafted for you.  I hope you know now that I am a woman of my word, and I will continue to be paid for my many talents.
Thank you for being memorable.  I know you will remember me when you’re picking glitter out of your everything. Thank you for continuing to amuse me through your memory.  Thank you for being sexy as fuck.  Thank you for reawakening my ability to love, even if you didn’t deserve it, or intend to do anything kind for me.  You blinded me.  I thank you for that also.  It was only through blindness that I could ever see the truth about who I was.
I give thanks for all that you did, all that you are, and all that I was able to take from you.  Even in ruins, you serve me well.  I wear your name in ink on my skin with pride, because it’s yet another badge of honour.  A deliberate wound I was able to withstand and not be destroyed by.  You don’t have the power to turn me bitter, because I choose only greatness for myself.
I give plenty of thanks.  Plenty of love, and plenty of justice where deserved.
Fearlessly, and with love always,

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