Recipe for fucked chi smoothie

Serves one. Medium difficulty.

Kit includes: flamethrower, lighter, double edged sword, nerf crossbow and darts.

Things you will need: bullet blender, misappropriated fucks to give.



Bullshit excuses




Low self esteem

One cigarette

Alcohol of choice



  1. Place insecurity, low self esteem and resentment in a pot of boiling water.
  2. Bring to the boil repeatedly, allowing it to cool for weeks at a time.  Stir only when it looks like it’s losing interest in you.
  3. Add fuckboys to taste. You can use any type of fuckboy that grabs your fancy. I like blondes and beards. Also biceps.
  4. Simmer for several years, like the rage you tried to deny and suppress.
  5. Turn out mixture onto prepared pavement. The more public, the better.
  6. Using sword, fold in bullshit excuses.
  7. Sprinkle with lies that seem believable.
  8. Fire nerf darts into concoction, at a distance.
  9. Stamp on it violently and dramatically, preferably in stilettos. Careful not to slip on the bullshit.
  10. Put a cigarette out in the mess, then pour your desired alcohol all over it.
  11. Set it on fire, with flamethrower provided.
  12. Shovel ashen, scorched mixture into blender. Blitz until you’re done crying and giving too many fucks.

Pour into chilled glass and sip slowly into your soul.

WARNING: will fucking poison you.

Voila. Your chi is now fucked. Best enjoyed cold and alone.

Stay tuned for the next recipe: Chi restoration and unfuckededness. This one is best enjoyed when you wake the fuck up to yourself and stop making the same dumb mistakes.


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