How to be a woman

Be independent.

But not too independent.

Be confident.

But not too confident.

Show mankind you need them…….

….without being needy.

Have high expectations…

….and also none.

 

Have luscious boobs.

Pretend like you don’t notice how great your rack is though.

Demand respect.

But not in a way that you’re actually given it, that’d make you a bitch.

Be attractive.

Not too attractive, though.

It’s alright to enjoy the male gaze.

Just don’t ever admit you like it, you slut.

Study hard, and maintain an excellent career….

… while you raise the kids you had to take time off to give birth to.

Restore your body to your pre-pregnancy shape…

… only to fuck it up again by having more babies. Don’t forget to hold onto that career that whole time.

Take good care of yourself with various beauty therapies.

Just don’t ever spend a cent on that, because you don’t deserve to have nice things, even if you pay for them yourself.

Ignore those who judge you.

Because ignoring EVERYONE is totally an option.

Nobody likes bitterness.

It’s your job to remain sweet and loveable no matter what bullshit is swirling around you.

Be caring.

Just not about yourself. You don’t get to be a priority without being a bitch.

Uphold strong standards and boundaries.

Fucking hell, not like that. How dare you expect kindness and support?!

Look good naked.

Never be seen naked.

Take care of your body…

… even though it belongs to everyone but you.

Take time out for you.

But only in the ways other people deem appropriate. Like reading a trashy magazine filled with bullshit nobody cares about. Or sipping on a coffee. 10 minutes is enough, right?

Aim high!

Not too high, though. You should accept what you’re given with grace. Even when it’s shit, and you don’t want it.

Communicate clearly.

Don’t forget to smile a lot though, or you’ll be accused of being a cunt. Even if what you’re saying warrants a stern glare, you have no right to issue it.

Speak like a lady.

How the fuck does a lady even speak? Like a fairy princess marshmallow, who never has a negative emotion?

Sit like a lady.

But crossing your legs is bad for your circulation and the alignment of your hips.

Walk like a lady….

… while you’re chasing your wild children down the street.

Dress for your body type.

Are human clothes okay? Like are these designed for human women or have I gotten my shit confused again?

Be approachable.

By pasting a fake smile on your face at all times, of course. Even when there’s nothing to smile about.

Wear high end makeup.

People will judge you for that though. How dare you take pride in your appearance, or apply any paint to that fine canvas?

Extend your kindness to everyone.

Avoid being taken advantage of, while being nice and sweet whether that is deserved or not.

Be wise with your money.

Especially when you have none, because you’re supposed to care for everyone, all the time, and somehow not have your earning power impacted in any way.

Ask for help when you need it.

Just don’t expect the cavalry to ever arrive.

Support your fellow women.

But talk shit about them a lot.

Be there for your friends.

The ones you don’t have because you rarely leave the house, or work. Or housework. Whatever.

Don’t smoke.

Even though you could literally light something on fire with your laser gaze of WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT vibes.

Be healthy.

But also be an avid consumer of ever poison there is, otherwise they’ll label you crunchy. Crunchy is apparently an insult.

Don’t be too opinionated or emotional.

Basically just smile, nod, agree, and never feel a thing…. while shooting rainbows out your eyeballs and showering everyone with love and sprinkly star dust.

Look good enough to eat.

Don’t you dare put any time into maintaining that appearance though, beyond your allotted 10 minutes of ‘me’ time. Where you spend that whole time thinking about everyone else’s needs.

 

And that’s how you be a good an acceptable woman.

Confused?

Yeah, me too. I think I’ll apply the FUCK THAT principle, and go on with my life in sinful, perfect, bird flipping nonchalance.

 

Amen.

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