Look. You can be into casual sex, but it’s gonna fuck you up sooner or later.
I checked the weather forecast, and it’s partly cloudy, with a chance of fuck all. I’ll tell you why.
You can call it ‘no strings attached’, or ‘casual’ or ‘friends with benefits’, but one thing is true of all three-
Usually, one or both parties get hurt when sex is being had, without clear boundaries. “But we have an agreement….”
I hear you, but fuck you. Listen.
People with a fear of commitment, aren’t exactly good at sticking to their agreements. That’s the whole point of avoiding commitment and expectations. Any agreement would be an expectation. They’re too insecure and fragile, to handle rules of any sort.
They may make an agreement, but they’re often betraying you, covering their tracks, and calling that ‘following the rules’. Fuck that. You can’t maintain casual arrangements long term.
What they’ll do, is what they feel like, and you’ll be lucky if you’re a part of whatever they’ve decided they feel like. This is why no strings sex leaves you feeling so unsatisfied. It’s so uncertain. It’s draining. Every date is the first date and it’s fucking ridiculous trying to maintain that level of excitement every time.
I’m tired just thinking about it.
You’ll never be allowed to bond.
Think about how empty that feels.
This isn’t to say that I never indulge, however I’m well aware of what I’m doing, and why. If I’m doing it NSA, I don’t continue without a renegotiation into a firmer deal.
There’s a difference between polyamory, and no strings attached. Polyamory is many levels above no strings fucking. It’s the cultivation and maintenance of several relationships simultaneously. It’s done with honesty, respect, and a great level of trust. Communication is always of the highest level, and if it’s not… then it degenerates, and the agreement expires.
I see a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to polyamory. I guess it’s pretty hard to understand when you haven’t experienced it. The main point is that nothing is ever hidden from any party, at any time. There can be quite strict rules, and they vary from partner to partner.
Basically though, casual means no respect for any of your wants, needs or boundaries. Or vice versa. Maybe you’re the asshole. I don’t know. The only situations in which this can KINDA work, is if you’re kinda both the same kind of asshole.
If you’re prone to feeling things for your sexual partners, AVOID CASUAL at all costs.
The point is: Most of the time, when you’re giving someone a pass to have sex with you, without adhering to any actual agreement……. You’re gonna get burned. Somebody always ends up being casually discarded.
That someone is never allowed to feel any kind of way about that. After all, the casual label negates your right to feel anything, at any time. Fuuuuck that. Never linger in a casual situation too long, without re-evaluating the label and attempting to move to a more permanent zone.
You will lose people doing this. You’re supposed to. If we never lost anyone, we’d all be married to our primary school boyfriends. I say no thank you to that.
Don’t be a lazy shit. Refine your boundaries. Stick to them. Be prepared to have less sex, but also be prepared to have higher quality encounters when people CAN adhere to the standard.
I had a revelation today. The problem with my last ‘arrangement’, was that I was with him, but he wasn’t with me. It wasn’t a fair arrangement, at all. Sure, we were together occasionally… but as soon as I walked out the door, I was dead to him in a virtual sense. That felt really shitty no matter how much I tried to deny it.
Alright, we enjoyed our annual crappy dinner dates. The ones I’d have to FORCE him to supply. I enjoyed the first one. By the second year (I know, oh my god.) I was chewing my food and swallowing it with a side of resentment. Knowing he just wanted me to eat faster so he could stuff his cock in my mouth.
Mate. What the fuck. Probably would have been more entree sized. It definitely wasn’t dessert.
Oops, got distracted.
I’m not even mad at him. I feel bad for him, for wasting such a good opportunity in me. I feel sad that such a beautiful exterior could contain so much nothingness.
It’s important to learn how and when to walk away. I think that’s the only thing I learned from that experience. The thing I should have learned the time before. The thing I CLAIMED to have understood. Obviously the universe wanted to drive that point home one more time.
I got it. I know I got it that last time, because it’s been 8 months, and I haven’t allowed it to happen again. Also, I’d like to pause to recognize the fact that the progress I’ve made is real, and quite impressive.
I went from wasting 8 years waiting for a man to change, to 2 years….. to 2 fucking hours. That’s one hell of a solid progression, in my personal evolution.
Some might call me savage as fuck, and I suppose they’d be right in some ways… but why the hell would I risk backsliding, and undoing the hard work I’ve done, for a motherfucker who isn’t sure about me? I wouldn’t waste my time.
You don’t have to be sure all the time, BUT-
You do have to be sure in the moment.
If you aren’t screaming FUCK YES to the proposition… get the hell out of there. The alternative, is settling for annual crappy dinner dates, and the type of sex where you’re not even sure you’ll get an orgasm this month.
I guess resentment has a way of blocking your orgasmic chi, doesn’t it? You’ve gotta be really honest with yourself… even if it feels kinda bad.
If I’m extremely generous, I could say that it was a tiny bit exciting, wondering when and if I was going to enjoy it. It was like a game of Russian roulette, where I wished I’d get fucking shot for once.
These days, I don’t always have sex…. but when I do, oh my god. I’m choosing the right motherfuckers at the right motherfucking time. (most of the time). In the instances where I recognize I’ve made a poor choice, I cut them loose and get on with my life.
No regrets, no remorse. THAT’S how you do casual. Casual is supposed to be the beginning of something more solid. Not a place you linger around, waiting for shit to suddenly be different, without ever entering into a negotiation.
You decide, though. How do you want things to be? You don’t ever have to settle for just one partner if that’s not what you want… But you do need to get really honest, and risk pissing people off, to find the people who want what you want.
Don’t wait around for people who are showing you disrespect, to suddenly wake up to themselves. You’re allowed to wake up first. Their actions are screaming LEAVE ME BEHIND!!!
So do it. It’s YOUR responsibility to recognize a breach of your boundaries. It’s your responsibility to uphold your standards, and to act accordingly to preserve your sanity, and self respect.
Failure to do so, will result in it being your fault when you get hurt.
Just to clarify, walking away doesn’t make you an asshole.
It makes you cool as fuck, and quite ethical.
It’s not unfair to put yourself first in these situations. You don’t have to be a bitch (or bastard) about it, but you can certainly exit if they aren’t sticking to the agreement, or refusing a renegotiation.
If you must be a little savage, do it where they can’t see you, and without using their name. You wouldn’t want the motherfucker to think you’re still thinking about them, even if you are.
There’s a difference between processing an experience, and pining for a fucklord.
Stay away from fucklords.
Don’t BE the fucklord.
Rules to live by.
P.S I feel like I should add a disclaimer here, stating that I’m not against monogamous arrangements, either. I have done, and would do again, under the right circumstances.
The main point is that one should always be honest about what they want, whom they want it with, and never deviate from the code of conduct. Honesty. Trust. Respect. No matter what your particular relationship status is, you can’t go wrong if you rely on those three pillars.