Getting bitch slapped (by the universe)

Oh. My. God.

It finally happened. The universe bitch slapped me right in my bitch face.

I was just innocently heading for my favourite nail salon today… when I came face to face with the motherfucker who’s been dodging me.

Apparently he doesn’t work on Saturdays, like he said. He strolls casually through the mall… that is… until he locks eyes with me.  Suddenly shit seemed a whole lot less casual for him.

My face was all like…

OH. HELLO! I exclaimed with combined glee and vengeance, after brief eye contact was made.  His eyes immediately drifted to his feet and he scurried past, like cowards do when they’re caught in a lie.

My head whipped around, jaw open, expression aghast. “THIS motherfucker!!!” My wing woman laughed. I laughed. There was much laughter.  The funniest part is that we were both far from our houses… I have no idea why we were simultaneously planted in the same spot at the same time.  This city is big, and the universe is mysterious.  I assume this was the massive red light I needed, to stop me from pursuing a bastard.

I remain graceful, and grateful of course.

Anyway, I had a feeling he was full of shit. Furthermore, I’m now quite certain that bachelors don’t have gorgeous artificial flowers in their apartments.

I mean, the lack of getting a haircut, combined with decor better than mine… just SCREAMS ‘still married’.  I was suspicious, but then again, I’m always at least 50% suspicious.

So, as far as I can tell, it happened again… for the second time in 6 months.  I accidentally fucked a married man. Separated, my asssssssss mate. He’s obviously shady as fuck.

If he’s not still married, then he’s just a coward who can’t be clear about whether or not he’d like to continue with the sex.  I must have gotten confused by all the orgasms.  He’s the type who answers your messages, but then avoids making plans.

We all know plans smack of commitment, and who in their right mind would be honest or clear, when they can be avoidant and disrespectful instead?

Maaaaate, I’ve been doing this longer than you.  I have second hand embarrassment for how transparent your cowardice is.

It’s all fun and games, until someone loses an eye, via a slight public gouging.

So here are the facts.  He deleted his tinder weeks ago. Faked up a business trip. (Since when do painters take business trips?)  Bitch, please.  I can’t say I believed that one but I had no proof.  He said his ex wife was in Europe. Yeah, she probably was… on a holiday. Whilst he nailed me on their kitchen bench.

Dirty fucker. What a dirty dirty fucker. I hope every time his wife makes him a meal on that bench, he’s wracked with guilt and shame.

I’m not sorry. I’m not the lying piece of shit.  This guilt rests only on his mediocre shoulders.

Stay in the gym you cunt… and stay out of my vagina, and or inbox.

There is no moral to this story. I give thanks to the universe for a swift slap, and showing me what a lying prick looks like.

The good news is, I can hardly even give a fuck.

The bad news is, he looks like any other guy I would sleep with.

I need to upgrade my lie detector.

This is the only love I know.



P.S – When I said I might like to have a husband one day, I didn’t mean somebody else’s.  I meant one of my own.  I need to be clearer when I make demands of the universe, obviously.

P.P.S – I’m kinda laughing.  The odds of me catching him out were a million to one.  He must think I’m fucking psychic.

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